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Written by Administrator   
Nov 16, 2004 at 07:00 PM
Video's got you down?
Mama can help you turn it around!

Dear Mama,
I'm worried about my husband, because everytime he watches a video with an animal in it, he imitates the animal while watching. Like when he watches "The Birds", he sits perched on the couch, or "Born Free", he licks his arms and hands like a cat. When I asked him why, he said it helped him to relax. He does this twice a week. What should I do?
Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,
Why worry? Set up your video camera, then put "Turner and Hooch" in your VCR, sit back and... Let me know if he can reach.

Dear Mama,
Do you think it's normal for a wife to insist on playing "Nightmare on Elm Street" movies while making love? She says it heightens her arousal?
Romantic Freddy

Dear Romantic Freddy,
She's either saying: Freddy looks better than you. Your love making techniques are a nightmare. Or...Your fingers aren't as long as Freddy's. Try "The Howling", at least then all she'll have to do is open her mouth to fake it.

Dear Mama,
I am into vampire movies so much, that I quit my day job so I could sleep all day and party all night. I sit up all night drinking red wine and watching every vampire movie I can get my hands on. Do you know of any obscure, 1940's vampire movies that I may purchase and learn from?
Lost Boy

Dear Lost Boy,
What do I look like? A video library? Want some advice? Get your ass outta the coffin, grab a beer, and watch a "real man movie" like "Blazing Saddles" Why you may even learn to fart. Then you'll be a "Found Man."

Dear Mama,
I have two teenage boys who sit on the couch all week-end and watch movies. I can't get them to do anything with me. I am a single parent and I can't help feeling that my limited time with my children is passing me by. How can I get them off the couch and interested in more family oriented things?
Helpless Parent

Dear Helpless Parent,
Put in "Children of the Corn", or "Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things". They'll either become zombies and do your bidding, or kill you with a sickle. Either way, they'll be off the couch and participating in a family function.

Dear Mama,
Why does my girlfriend come over every Saturday night with an X-rated movie, a bottle of champagne, proceed to seduce me, then foams at the mouth after we are finished making love? What gives?
Confused but Satisfied

Dear Confused but Satisfied,
Sounds like she's full. Time to get a new girlfriend.

Dear Mama,
I feel so stupid. I cannot operate my VCR, the remote, or my video camera. I try to read the manual, but it's like a foreign language. My boyfriend calls me stupid, my mom and dad call me stupid, and all my friends call me stupid. Please help me.
Not Stupid

Dear Not Stupid,
You are stupid. Do you want some cheese to go along with that annoying whine of yours? Get a life, try seeing how long you can hold your breath under water. That should cure you.

Dear Mama,
I'm Gay and very much in love with my friend who lives next door. He wants to be a movie director. He keeps asking me to have sex with him while he video tapes us. I really want to please him, but I'm afraid he will market the video and I'll become a big star, then my whole family will know I'm Gay. What do you think I should do?
Head in the Clouds

Dear Head in the Clouds,
More like Head up your Ass. If this was how actors got discovered, Hollywood would be over-run. Although if they ever made a "Deliverance" Part Two, I think there would be a part in it written just for you. Can you squeal?

Dear Mama,
I have over thirty exercise videos, one for everyday of the month. I exercise everyday to a different video. I am 40 years old and have the body of a 20 year old. I eat right, don't smoke, drink, or do drugs. I am very attractive, very successful, but I can't find someone who wants to share their life with me. I don't understand, I'm doing everything right. Do you have any advice?
Lookin' Good

Dear Lookin' Good,
Your conceited, boring, and dull. You are also mindless or brain dead, I'm not sure which, but this is the reason you don't understand. So you want my advice? If you are so happy with yourself, why look for anyone else? Go #@%& yourself. A note for the conceited brain dead people, (#@%& = Fuck).

Dear Mama,
I love the" Three Stooges." All my spare time is spent watching videos of my favorite three guys, over and over. I love Moe the best. I've even dyed my hair black and had it styled to look just like his. I collect "Stooge Memorabilia." Would you please print my address, so other people crazy about the "stooges", can write to me?
Moe Twin

Dear Moe Twin,
So you want me to print your address hun? Thwop Thwop. You dyed your hair black like Moe's eh? Yuk Yuk. How many fingers am I holding up? Boink. In lieu of the international sign language, my answer is. Can you hear this? Or should I turn it up?

Dear Mama,
I think the Sultan of Video magazine is the best thing I've ever read. I have to admit though, I am obsessed with the Sultan. Who is he? What does he look like? I dream about him everynight. What's worse is I fantasize making love with him all the time. You must know him, can you please send a picture of him to me and make my fantasies come true?
Harem Girl Wannabe

Dear Harem Girl Wannabe,
Honey, if a picture is all you need to make your fantasies come true... You must have an ass kickin' vibrator.

Dear Mama,
I caught my no good husband cheating on me with my sister. Thanks to the movie "Sex, Lies, and Videotape", for showing me hows to follow through on my suspicions. I am so pissed at them both, that I've been thinking of ways for revenge. Our family reunion is next week-end. I think I'm jest gonna show the video I made of them screwing to the whole family. That'd teach em. What do you think?
Seeing Red

Dear Seeing Red,
Why I think it's a great idea. I'm sure all your relatives traveled hundreds of miles just to see your sweaty husband humping your sleazy sister. Get real. You listen to Mama...
Sell the video to an Adult Movie theater close to your sisters house, print flyers advertising its showing and pass them out to her friends, neighbors, and co-workers.
Get your husband drunk, and when he passes out, drag him down to a S&M bar, strip him, then prop his ass in the air with a sign on it that says "Do me daddy all night."
Then go to your family reunion alone. Hey you sound southern, you may even find a date.

Dear Mama,
I no American , I just moved to these country. I want to watch video to learn how it is to be American. Can you show me this? I sorry for poor English. I try verrdy hard to learn more better. Tank you verrdy much.
Gringo Soon

Dear Gringo Soon,
You came to the right place. Take this list to the video store, lock yourself in your house, and don't come out until you have mastered the American way.
Lost Faith , by Joel D. Wynkoop - to teach you how to defend yourself.
Creep, by Tim Ritter - to teach you family values.
Deranged, by Michael D. Moore - to teach you what kind of people to hire at your convenient store.
This should just about make you fit in with the rest of us. Good Luck.

Lonely in Florida...Eat shit and live, I am not your mama and I am not powdering anything.
Waiting Patiently...Don't hold your breath, the fish smell is there to stay.
Big and Long...Tie a garbage bag on it.
Video King...You sound like a Queen to me.
Movie Maker...Ever hear of Roman Polanski? See a shrink.
XXX Rated...There is a name for you, starts with a P and ends with Tease.

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